Content advisory: Spoilers, witnessing suicide, trauma recovery
Introduction
This character journey takes place in the larp Eclipse. Eclipse is an SF larp by Chaos League, where the participants are on a mission to establish if a planet is habitable for humanity. A certain amount of suspension of disbelief is needed, but none of this is beyond what has been repeatedly used in SF. A means of travelling light years in quick time, a means of maintaining immediate communication with Earth, a mission crew who are all damaged goods, the impact of a proximity black hole, and a Non Human Intelligent Lifeform (NHIL).
The character background
The character, Dreamer, was all about trauma. Initially this came from a desire by three siblings, one of whom being an idolised near perfect older brother, to do their best to help others, and to do the right thing for their community. The desire to help others set Dreamer on a path to be a clinical psychologist specialising in addiction and treatment of addiction behaviours, Dreamer was very good at this work and usually very good at spotting the signs and what might be needed.
As matters transpired Dreamers’ elder brother, Wayne, formed a socially positive business, but due to economic catastrophe it subsequently failed. Dreamer never saw the signs, maybe could not, maybe would not, maybe because someone who is near perfect would not go down that route. It ended when due to drugs and addiction, Wayne hanged himself.
This was Trauma 1. An addiction specialist who could not even save their own brother. Suicide and failure.
Dreamer and their younger sibling tried to pick up the pieces. It worked for a while, but Dreamer could not cope, could not stay. So Dreamer abandoned their younger sibling, left Rhen to deal with the family trauma and fled. They did this because maybe somewhere else there was a new chance to not be a failure, to save someone, to save anyone.
Trauma 2. Abandonment and Guilt, and the desperate need to not be a failure.
Onwards to the Eclipse mission. Dreamer was too damaged to make friends, knew some people, but could not get close. They muddled through, did some work. Then there was the party, some home-made alcohol and some vague talk of an experimental substance. This sort of worried Dreamer. At the party, Mark who was normally quiet and reclusive, was bright and enjoying himself. Once again Dreamer never saw it, or did not want to, or was too frightened. It ended a few hours later when Dreamer found Mark hanged and lifeless.
Trauma 3. Suicide, failure, and brutal reminder of Wayne.
Lithos, one of the two people closest to Dreamer, helped Dreamer away, but from this point Dreamer was a wreck of accumulated trauma, and pretty much unable to cope with anything.
This becomes the start point of the larp, a completely traumatised character, unable to be close to anyone, and who believes themself to be a total failure.
As a player, I thought I could get a lot of play working from this start point. I think I was also very lucky to have a really good small friend/acquaintance group, and an equally good expanded study/work group. We agreed in calibration that at larp start, Dreamer would disclose why they were so traumatised, the suicides, the failures. This would provide some play for everyone, and potentially start Dreamer down a path of finding a way out of the trauma hole. Nothing was fixed at this point, there were simply potentials: Dreamer could find a way out or Dreamer could self destruct.
The larp experience
Day 1
We did the above disclosure, then got on with the work group. The work space became the calm space: one where Dreamer could attempt to understand an alien mind, to understand alien concepts, maybe even start to get an understanding of the NHIL. It became a place where Dreamer felt less frightened and where there was some support.
Work happened, studying the NHIL, the language, attempting to communicate with it. Dreamer could be effective here, feel useful, have purpose. And at the end of the work, we uploaded the data and interpretations, the AI assessed that we had clearly made progress, the mission remained on green light. For Dreamer this was really important, progress was being made, despite all the fear, failure was not happening.
Outside of the workspace, Dreamer was a wreck. Unable to make friends, unable to initiate conversation, Lithos became an anchor, a safe person to be with but Lithos could not always be there. I was fine with this, it was where the character needed to be, a lot of play was in headspace, or short nervous responses if approached, and then trying to disengage.
Then there was a conversation with Rhen. Broadly Rhen was encouraging, and did not play into the fears of Dreamer. Rhen said that Dreamer could succeed. This was the first time Dreamer received positive praise from anyone they considered important. Even after being told about the death of Mark, Rhen still thought Dreamer could be successful and did not have to be crippled with fear and trauma. Dreamer did not really believe Rhen, but the seeds had been planted.
Day 2
More work happened, more progress was made, the green lights remained green. As a unit, soft science were started to get a better grasp on the language of the NHIL, and Dreamer was starting to get an idea of how they might think.
Clearly a lot of progress was being made, and Dreamer was feeling more and more comfortable with the work team. We were able to joke together, make light of things. For Dreamer, it became a very safe space in a very unsafe universe.
Two things of note from the soft science work. The alien species clearly was powerful, capable of protecting itself and removing threats. It wanted to communicate, and it seemed to have no concept of fear. The lack of understanding of fear worried Dreamer greatly, in part because Dreamer has issues around fear, and that a being that does not have a need for fear is by definition highly dangerous. At this point Dreamer was very scared of the NHIL. The second thing of note was more incidental, not planned, the soft science coordinator referred to the work team Dreamer was part of as Team Overachievers. For Dreamer, the recognition that the team was doing really well was very uplifting.
The preparation for the passing black hole, and that the black hole will mess with thinking and perception, was something Dreamer had to prepare for with the others from Psychology. These were not members of Dreamers’ normal work team. I deliberately took competence down a couple of steps, messed up a little and had someone else take over. This happened without criticism which given the vulnerabilities of Dreamer did not play into the trauma. It could have gone very differently.
The black hole transited, stuff got weird, power was diverted, comms were down, but we came out the other side, we were all still alive and everything was functional. For Dreamer there was a huge sense of relief, and more importantly of once again having not failed.
Then came the second call with Rhen. This is when Dreamer learned that for Rhen years had passed, black hole weird stuff had happened. Earth was now in an even worse state, this was not surprising. What shocked Dreamer is that Rhen had moved on, was now working for the establishment, had given up. This was the point at which Dreamer found determination, Wayne had died, Rhen had sold out, now there was only Dreamer and Dreamer was not going to fail. The fear was there, the trauma was there, both reduced, or at least masked with a grim determination.
And through it all, at all the scary points Lithos was there, Lithos made Dreamer feel safe.
Day 3
We learned that Earth was functionally doomed, all other Eclipse missions had failed, this mission was the last chance for humanity. The mission was still green lighted, the work had so far been successful. There was more work to do, the final findings to be uploaded. Dreamer still struggled outside the work team, but within it was competent, and as ever Lithos was there.
We did the work, by now we could translate the symbology into language very easily and could understand some fairly complex concepts and nuances of language. It became the turn of Dreamer to enter the containment chamber and be one-on-one with the NHIL. Dreamer was scared; these encounters had not always gone well, but Dreamer was now far more able to face their fears. The communication was successful, we got more back from the NHIL, and once again Dreamer had not failed.
We had the final translation. We now needed to upload our decision to the AI. This was our part to play, the end of our work. There were some tough calls, and disagreements, but in the end, each person on the mission had to make a decision.
Dreamer made a decision, and hit that button.
For Dreamer this was really significant. It meant that Dreamer had succeeded, that failure had not happened. The work had been completed, there were 3 known possible outcomes, one of which the AI would select. None of these were ideal, but they were the result of what everyone had collectively uploaded to the AI.
At this point Dreamer actually started to feel able to engage in meaningful conversations with others outside of the work team. Dreamer was able to joke and socialise. They suggested that if everyone survives they were going to write a paper on how humans behave when the final decision is taken away and given to an AI, and have the paper submitted for peer review. Dreamer had started to become a competent human being, sure there was sadness, and fear, but it was no longer trauma and failure.
There was some anxiety, everyone could die, but Dreamer took the view that if there was a possible survival route this is what the AI would select. The purpose of the AI algorithm was human survival, and Dreamer trusted the science. There was also the fact that the final AI decision was for the AI, the mission members no longer had a say, their work was done, and Dreamer was fine with this, again Dreamer trusted the science.
When it was time we gathered to hear from mission control, and we got our answer. Humanity and the NHIL would merge; what precisely this meant was unknown, but we would survive. For Dreamer this was hugely significant, Dreamer had not failed, and because of the work Dreamer was part of, people were going to survive, humanity was going to survive.
There were some goodbyes. Some did not want to go down the planned route. These choices were almost certainly fatal, everyone knew this. Dreamer, once utterly traumatised by suicide, was now able to deal with this in a calm and rational way.
Then for the final time Dreamer went with Lithos to face the NHIL. Dreamer was no longer scared. Dreamer went with Lithos because Dreamer had found a friend.
Final thoughts
It was a pretty amazing journey and I did not start by knowing where it would end. The actions and kindness of others contributed greatly to the direction of this journey. They created a safe space for a very damaged individual. It could have been different. Dreamer could have gone into self-destruction mode, but the team, and the unexpected events of Day 2, set a path. It felt right, it felt natural, and in the end Dreamer achieved what Dreamer initially thought was impossible.
I don’t normally do trauma on this level. When I initially requested the character, I had options for other plans. An investigative route around experimental substances and alien biology was partly in my mind. It was this or the trauma, not both. Calibration strongly pushed me towards the trauma route, and on reflection it was very much the right decision.
A special thanks to Kris Alice for being Lithos and putting up with me.
Eclipse
Designers/Studio: Chaos League
Dates: Run 2 of 6, May 2-5, 2025
Location: Alvernia Planet, Poland
Organizers: Chaos League
Price: From 680 euro. Package for shuttle and hotel add 165. Jump suit hire 40 EU.
